Waiting

And stop.
Waiting years
To “know the plans God has for you
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you
Plans to give you hope and a future »
Now waiting has stopped.
The hustle and bustle, loud and noisy
Come and go all over the place
To distract you from the waiting
Waiting to distract you from reality
Everything disappears all of a sudden
Emptiness whooshes in to fill the space
Like the laundry water into the bathtub
Stillness left in your chest
As if God’s looking at you
Eyebrows raised
Waiting for you to decide
What you will do next

Same old feeling
Wanting to close myself off from the world
Scrape and scratch away at this dirty, ugly heart
Clean it up, polish it
Not brand new
Leave the telltale scars there
Of ugliness from long ago
Let them manifest as quiet compassion
Towards all creation
But emerge a quiet sage
Years and years from now

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2 réflexions sur “Waiting

  1. masha’Allah…I seem to find a piece of myself in all of the things you write. So maybe this comment will be infinitely long as I try to address all of the wonderful wonderful aspects of this 🙂

    I am constantly feeling what you are describing, if I am interpreting this poem correctly, in which I long for a sort of peace & distance from the dunya. I’ve been in contact with a few new young reverts recently and see my new-Muslim self in them. Its been difficult to try and explain to them the purely spiritual aspect of Islam, and I’ve become convinced that it is something that matures the longer that we are Muslim. To actually « close yourself off from the world » takes a different kind of sacrifice than just following the physical rules Allah swt has commanded of us…something I am still desperately trying to figure out. Allahu ‘Alem (this is actually a phrase that I learned from you and have fallen in love with 🙂

    You’re story is so inspirational to me, and as always I am constantly in awe of your strength. Your words have showed me that reality is not the fantasy Islamic life I imagine that starts the day after I leave home. My struggles will not just end with the adthan going off in the streets and a family who prays with me. But things for both of us will get easier, and more peaceful, insha’Allah, as time goes on…as our struggles pay off, and become fruitful in the akhirah. ameen.

    love you ❤
    Ruhina

    J'aime

  2. « I am constantly feeling what you are describing, if I am interpreting this poem correctly »…

    Well like I said in my message, the poems are about liberating emotions, so there’s no single correct interpretation – I publish them in case others can find a reflection of their own feelings in them – you and I just understand each other I think on so many levels 🙂 I see much of myself in you (though you seem to me to have much more wisdom than I did first coming into Islam, elhamdulillah w masha’Allah ❤ )

    "…I’ve become convinced that it is something that matures the longer that we are Muslim."

    YES, it's amazing to watch others come into the faith with each year of your own journey – sometimes I feel overwhelmed for them, remembering how much there was to learn, and I'm slowly learning to sit back and watch their journey and learn with them and trust that they will find their path like we did before them, rather than feeling like I need to precipitously pack into them as much information and advice and knowledge – let alone RULES – as I can. Just trusting that someday they too insha'Allah will be five years into their journey, and ten, and fifteen, and be far ahead of where I am right now.

    "To actually « close yourself off from the world » takes a different kind of sacrifice than just following the physical rules Allah swt has commanded of us…something I am still desperately trying to figure out."

    I'm still trying to figure it out too. It's been perhaps one of the biggest lessons and changes of moving here, is learning to value alone-ness and silence over constant busy-ness outside and socializing. Because that's where I find myself suddenly empty, like a clay pot that I was trying to fill with dunya, and finding it can only be filled with akhirah, and so away from all the distractions I can finally start filling it with knowledge and divine things so that when I go out, I can give something, rather than accomplishing nothing with my empty pot. Again, don't know if that makes sense, it's just what I've been feeling a lot lately.

    "…reality is not the fantasy Islamic life I imagine that starts the day after I leave home. My struggles will not just end with the adthan going off in the streets and a family who prays with me. But things for both of us will get easier, and more peaceful, insha’Allah, as time goes on…"

    You're right. I think that's the dream of a lot of converts, and many don't realize it's only a dream til they have it. The adhaan is beautiful, but it doesn't make you pray if you aren't already. And "al-banouna zinat al-hayaat ad-dunya", but family won't make you pray if you aren't already. I hit rock bottom the other month after returning here, when I realized I'd been given everything I'd asked for, and the "magic imaan boost" still wasn't there. I was getting more and more depressed, couldn't even get myself out of bed to do dishes or laundry, let alone study, and finally one morning after *again* missing fajr, I went out on the balcony around 6am, breathed in the clear air, listened to the birds, and talked directly to God, asked Him for forgiveness, asked Him for help, and sat down and made a list of all the things I wanted to do and accomplish and learn, what an ideally productive, successful, 'ibaadah-filled day would look like. And then got up and did it. And am still trying to do it every day since then And I could have done that ages ago, before coming here. But I kept thinking "oh, when I move to a Muslim-majority country and have a Muslim family, it will just happen." No. It has to come from within.

    I've rambled long enough. Love your comments, and love you ❤ (feel free to respond here or by PM)

    J'aime

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