treading

total
loss
for
words
treading
water
gasping
for
air
when
does
this
end
just
keep
breathing

Publicités

shredded

here we are, ’twas just a matter of time
torn flesh, aching soul, limbo stretching into eternity
did you ever think someone you used to spend
all the day and the night awake in conversation with
could one day become as distant as the night sky?

Just a heads up, all eloquence is gone
It always is, in moments like these

I want to tell you about yesterday evening with Mom
our game of Scrabble and discussion about you

I want to tell you about the card that Grandma mailed me
the check inside and my aching to call her

I want to send you the link to my uncle’s theology class
watch it together, and discuss it

I want to tell you about my sleepover this weekend
and how I put off replying to Grandpa’s e-mail about theology

and about another e-mail to an embassy yesterday
asking if I could stay away from you longer

and about how I know what you’re going through
but we’ve reached a breaking point and you have to make a move
and remove what I’m truly running from

and how if you don’t, I can’t return

but I can’t find you, and you aren’t looking for me
and you’ve shredded my soul into pieces

Know this:
6,211 kilometers don’t cause death
silence does

black sheep

black sheep

I hate this identity

I hate the scorn and the pity

told myself I didn’t need the mold

didn’t need all the fancy trimmings

and I still don’t

but for the love of God and all that is holy

if I don’t get my own home

with my husband

without eyes and ears following us everywhere

I’m going to fucking disintegrate

into a million tiny shards

brown

oh, by the way

we walked to the sea yesterday, my love and I

pummeled by angry gusts trying to tear my scarf from my head

and it was brown like mud, all along the coast

the wind whipping it up into giant, brown, frothy waves

all the city’s sewers had been emptied into it–I don’t use the word rape lightly

and out beyond the brown, was the blue

you’d have to swim through the shit to get to it

feasible? I suppose. worth it? very different question.

would you come out the other side untouched? hardly.

but I have no choice.

I swear the sea has a different metaphor every time I stop by to visit

perhaps that’s why it tugs at the curled, water-damaged edges of my soul

no matter where I am

 

anyways. I’ve decided to fly away again, rip my soul in two again

I have so much to say about that, too

but I’ll leave it for when the torn flesh needs nursing

tired

so

tired

too

much

procrastination

too

little

fiery passion

wanting to fly away home

held back by chains of love and hate

and a nagging fear that nothing will ever be all right

yes, Qur’an helps

but I still can’t move

check-in

hello
four days suddenly seems like a while now
nothing’s changed
still frigid
still ducking my responsibilities
yesterday was a bright spot in the endless
juggling of two souls
today was a darker one
and I don’t even mind
I won’t say we made headway yesterday
because you’re still letting your baser side get the best of you
and you’re still not reading these messages
but I guess there’s still hope
this isn’t a poem or anything, I just wanted to check in
I’m far too tired to care about eloquence

shayateen

So you think you have a right to come sneaking into my house into my head poke your nose into what I hold sacred and start messing things up or send one of your underlings to do your dirty work so he can come back to your shit palace and tell you what a great job he did well not on my watch I don’t fall for this shit forever yeah it knocks me for a loop yeah you might get salat on hold for a while freeze passion over for a while but you know I’m coming back to race you outpace you towards forgiveness from my Lord and a Garden as wide as the heavens and the earth and you are ar-rajeem, fi en-nar khalideen. I didn’t take up this deen lightly to back down now, turn around now, I didn’t sacrifice my family, my reputation, everything I held dear, just for you to knock me down with shit like this. Raditu billahi Rabban w bil Islami deenan. So get thee behind me.