total
loss
for
words
treading
water
gasping
for
air
when
does
this
end
just
keep
breathing
Publicités
shredded
here we are, ’twas just a matter of time
torn flesh, aching soul, limbo stretching into eternity
did you ever think someone you used to spend
all the day and the night awake in conversation with
could one day become as distant as the night sky?
Just a heads up, all eloquence is gone
It always is, in moments like these
I want to tell you about yesterday evening with Mom
our game of Scrabble and discussion about you
I want to tell you about the card that Grandma mailed me
the check inside and my aching to call her
I want to send you the link to my uncle’s theology class
watch it together, and discuss it
I want to tell you about my sleepover this weekend
and how I put off replying to Grandpa’s e-mail about theology
and about another e-mail to an embassy yesterday
asking if I could stay away from you longer
and about how I know what you’re going through
but we’ve reached a breaking point and you have to make a move
and remove what I’m truly running from
and how if you don’t, I can’t return
but I can’t find you, and you aren’t looking for me
and you’ve shredded my soul into pieces
Know this:
6,211 kilometers don’t cause death
silence does
black sheep
black sheep
I hate this identity
I hate the scorn and the pity
told myself I didn’t need the mold
didn’t need all the fancy trimmings
and I still don’t
but for the love of God and all that is holy
if I don’t get my own home
with my husband
without eyes and ears following us everywhere
I’m going to fucking disintegrate
into a million tiny shards
brown
oh, by the way
we walked to the sea yesterday, my love and I
pummeled by angry gusts trying to tear my scarf from my head
and it was brown like mud, all along the coast
the wind whipping it up into giant, brown, frothy waves
all the city’s sewers had been emptied into it–I don’t use the word rape lightly
and out beyond the brown, was the blue
you’d have to swim through the shit to get to it
feasible? I suppose. worth it? very different question.
would you come out the other side untouched? hardly.
but I have no choice.
I swear the sea has a different metaphor every time I stop by to visit
perhaps that’s why it tugs at the curled, water-damaged edges of my soul
no matter where I am
anyways. I’ve decided to fly away again, rip my soul in two again
I have so much to say about that, too
but I’ll leave it for when the torn flesh needs nursing
tired
so
tired
too
much
procrastination
too
little
fiery passion
wanting to fly away home
held back by chains of love and hate
and a nagging fear that nothing will ever be all right
yes, Qur’an helps
but I still can’t move
check-in
hello
four days suddenly seems like a while now
nothing’s changed
still frigid
still ducking my responsibilities
yesterday was a bright spot in the endless
juggling of two souls
today was a darker one
and I don’t even mind
I won’t say we made headway yesterday
because you’re still letting your baser side get the best of you
and you’re still not reading these messages
but I guess there’s still hope
this isn’t a poem or anything, I just wanted to check in
I’m far too tired to care about eloquence
shayateen
So you think you have a right to come sneaking into my house into my head poke your nose into what I hold sacred and start messing things up or send one of your underlings to do your dirty work so he can come back to your shit palace and tell you what a great job he did well not on my watch I don’t fall for this shit forever yeah it knocks me for a loop yeah you might get salat on hold for a while freeze passion over for a while but you know I’m coming back to race you outpace you towards forgiveness from my Lord and a Garden as wide as the heavens and the earth and you are ar-rajeem, fi en-nar khalideen. I didn’t take up this deen lightly to back down now, turn around now, I didn’t sacrifice my family, my reputation, everything I held dear, just for you to knock me down with shit like this. Raditu billahi Rabban w bil Islami deenan. So get thee behind me.
