Today I stopped caring
flailing my arms
trying to keep my head above water
talking
breathing
trying to stay alive
I don’t even care about this text
I’m just going to let it all wash over me
The whole damn tsunami
Maybe it’ll drain away quickly enough
For me to resume
If not, so be it.
Just an empty shell of what I used to be
Of all the passion and the flame
Whittled down to a skinny, ugly knob
Of faineance and whinging and waiting
And doggone if those words aren’t ugly
Just like me
So is it true?
Are you really powerless?
Or is there some way of
pushing the labyrinthe piece in
so a little path shifts into place
and you can wait it out on the edge of the board?
Or are you truly stuck
waiting for fate to turn the tides
thousands more hours in this bed
listening to dishes clank in your kitchen?
And if the tides turn
will you find what you think you’re waiting for?
And if you force their hand
will it have been worth it?
And if they never turn at all
where will you end up?
I flirt with existential crises
(Yes, I began a sentence with « I »)
Sometimes timidly and tentatively
Scared of the conclusions I might draw
Othertimes hard and fast
The way flirtation comes naturally
Is that, then, why my head
Is being pushed underwater
So I stay so distracted trying to breathe
That I forget the existential questions
Because if so, it’s working.
You can stop now.
How exactly can I be expected
To smile and wish my murderer good morning
Exchange pleasantries with it
Join it for hours-long discussions
When all it does is slap me in the face
And keep pushing me under
Who has the gall to call depression
a « mental illness » as though
being pushed underwater could be treated
with medicine, by a doctor
Just pull me out of the pond already
I swear to God if I’m forced to choose
between my love in the water
and being alone on dry land
I’ll go mad
Even without the questions to keep me company
Walking a tightrope
I keep falling
Getting back on
Falling
Getting back on
Chemicals
Drag me back and forth
When do I take the reins
When do I break free from this fear
Living in limbo
Waiting for a whole life to be determined
In one moment
Is driving me mad
What has God planned
When will I find out
And how will I react?
If He says no
Will you be able to float above the rip current?
Find beauty in hell
Find peace in the chaos
Find tranquility in the maddening
Find purpose in a prison
And if He says yes
Will you be able to fulfill your potential?
To push on when your eyes are closing
To focus on the letters, the words, the pages,
The lives of another generation
Without being dragged down by worry and fatigue?
Will there be fulfillment to be found?
If all looks dark, it’s just the chemicals
Just wait, and this too shall pass
Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Spring evenings
Wild chilly exhilarating air
Intoxicating lilacs
You are a child again
Roaring, ecstatic freedom
Bonfires, frisbee, spaghetti on the stove
Walking through misty night fog
Delirious calm
The whole world is the same
You’re the only One who’s ever given me peace
أنت السلام ومنك السلام
Youre the only One who’s ever given me complete, tearful happiness
The rest is just shadows
just shadows
So why do I bury my head in the sand
every time this sadness overtakes me
instead of running to You
يا الصمد
تباركت ذا الجلال والإكرام
This soul is
from a universe
bigger and wider
than the sea
and all that happens
benefits
All that happens
was written from a thousand years
All that happens
weighs ever more in the miizaan
for, or against, for, or against
Piling hasanaat or sayyi’aat
like sand grains
into mountains
into eternity
So breathe.
وذكر فإن الذكرى تنفع المؤمنين
Udhkur, ya rouhi.
This too, shall pass
though it take one-hundred years.
